sunshine & serendipity

sixteen going on seventeen.  sixteen complete years on this earth. 6,168 days of breathing and being me.  After nearly 10 years of focusing on all of my flaws, I was covered in lies about myself. The pain from my broken self-esteem drove my eating disorder to become worse over time. After practicing serious behaviors for an extended period, my body was giving up on me. Due to my deteriorating health, my parents were informed I had been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. For two years my family stood by me as I untangled a web infested with frustration, guilt, and confusion, all directed at myself. By digging through that pile and seeking out ways to reverse these words etched into my brain, I saw glimpses of a life beyond the criticism. Close to a year ago, I saw hope for the first time. This hope showed me that my world wasn't currently how God created it to be, and I saw that I was destroying myself. As I began to value my life more and increased my intake, my body and mind

"WHAT DO YOU WANT IN THE WORLD?" Woah! Slow down. Just five minutes ago I was told I don't need to have my future figured out! What do I say? What will satisfy their interest? Below are a handful of my most common responses. "to not disappoint my parents." "an okay job." "I have no clue!" "let's not think about it." Of course, what I say differs for my audience. Don't get me wrong, I do think about my future, and that thinking typically comes in an excessive amount. My anxiety does not like these "future planning sessions", some sort of panic symptom arises, and before I know it I am in tears. As a sixteen-year-old, IT'S SCARY!! Ten years from now I will be twenty-six! What will that Madeline be like? I have three wishes for my future self: a husband, children, and a home. Between now and then I have some growing to do. I want a closer relationship with God, I need to rest my fears with Him. I ne